ओळख मुलांची, आपली…
Challenges and Responsibilities of Parenthood
Dr.Vijaya Murthy
M.A., M.Ed., Ph.D., OPPT.
- Three decades of experience in academics Research and Administration as Head of different Institutes.
- Director of S.J.E.S. Institute of Comprehensive Education for 21 years.
- Presented papers and organized workshops and conferences held in the U.S.A., Singapore, and Athens (Greece).
- Former Honorary Secretary of Indian Association of Preschool Education.
- Recipient of ‘National Award’ (1983) for “Innovation in Teacher Education.
Gone are the days when our parents hardly had to do anything for us. They never went to the school. Father didn’t know in which class the son was. At least mother knows, because she bothered about the homework. But as such parents didn’t have much of a responsibility. But the present role of the parents is expanded and extended. Today taking care of the child, finding school, is not the role of parents. Now you need to be his guide, tutor, companion, supervisor, because whatever happens to the child, particularly bad, only the parents are responsible. Ultimately the blame goes to the parents. How can we play a parents role better? How can we take on our responsibility as parents in more meaningful manner? The parents are parents! In our country, the parents role never ends at all. Even at the age of 90, the parents are parents to his 50 or 60 years old son who is unlike time the child is abroad. Abroad by the 10 – 12 years, the parents role ends. At this age the child has to take care of his own self. The parents role ends there. Whereas, here physically even though we are separate, the daughter may be in Bombay or New York and the parent in some rural areas, the bonding is great. Some children are difficult children, as they make the parents run around them, chase them and at that absolutely demanding. We are very much concentrated on the child, very much worried about the child, to the extent all the things have been relegated and the top priority is the child and many times making the same mistakes & blunders that your parents did with you. You did not like to remind – take your bag properly, cross the road properly, eat your Tiffin completely. We thought that your father or mother was mad. But we keep repeating that. That is in short parenthood.
Secondly who is the parent? Generally one who gets married with all one’s weaknesses, strengths, mistakes, and lapses; becomes a parent, with no awareness & knowledge. So what is my role & how should we bring up the child? What is our responsibility? Earn a lot of money & give all that is not available to me. No, that is wrong. Again what about human relations? Parents have to play the most complex & complicated role. The parenthood is so complex; there is always one way traffic. There is no taking or getting from the other side. Have you given anything to your parents? You have not even said thank you probably! You only pointed out all the lapses & mistakes. We keep telling them how much I am doing for you. The best way is that when you are thinking of your parent role, go back to your childhood and do not repeat the mistakes probably, your parents did, most of the time the mistakes are human. To become any one in life, what do we want to do? Do we have any kind of guidance? any kind of information? Absolutely not. We bring up children with our desires & wants, with our needs and requirements. Parents’ role is complex & complicated, not only there is no guidance, there is more & more confusing information given by mass media all along. You read any newspaper or magazine, there is an article on parenthood and all the blame goes to the parents. Again the child is exposed more and more to mass media. The television is throwing him up lots of advertisements, and what he should be eating, the wrong kind of food and you are totally in a mess. I am trying to give him the right kind of values or habits, but I have not been able to do so. Again, every field is changing. Our parents think that there should be more discipline; more control on the child and child should be seen, not heard. But in changing times, it is not so. The more you give freedom, independence to the child and make him an independent entity; he is able to develop better. How much freedom do I give? How much control do I have? Because on both accounts as parents you are” loser. If you give more freedom to your child & if he gets into problems, what people say, you are wrong. So the parents are unconsciously in conflict. How could we be playing our role in the right manner? They are always following tightrope walking. The parental role is so complex & complicated that you really do not know. Where to draw the line? & it is such a difficult tightrope walk, that you do not know how you are continuously balancing yourself. The problem is more and more acute for various reasons. We see in Hindi movies the parents are cheated by children and run away or the parents are locked in another room. So what is this trying to inform you? Secondly, the disintegration of the joint family system, earlier we got the support of the grandparents. Thirdly, the parents, both of them are working; particularly the mother. The quality of inter relationship; the qualitative time that the mother is able to give his child is important.
Lastly, it is not just the mother. The researcher proved that, only in the house where both the father & mother have together given equally the kind of care and also the physical care to the child, added to it with emotional, psychological, social care, do children develop, grow up into the right type of a balanced personality. So it is very important because your child is your ultimate wealth. No amount of any kind of fame, name, and money can make you happy, if you have not brought up your child in the best possible manner. It is very important to play the role of parents in a qualitative responsible manner. Habits are formed in the childhood & parents during the habit formation year, should pay attention, give quality time to him and see that he is accustomed to doing certain things. You will be amazed, that He grows up, he is restless, if he doesn’t do according to the routine. Between the ages of 5 and 8 the habits are formed and between the ages of 3 and 6 confidence and initiative are formed. There must be a breathing place and let him do what he wants, at the same time keep monitoring, supervising, guiding and giving him tips that are required for him.
So think, are we able to accept the child? Fortunately, now and more parents are going for one child. But those of us who have two children, we ourselves bring up the second child. A companion to the first child. But do we succeed? Every parent wants to give the best to the child? At least mothers are to a certain e able convey it. But the father in our country is totally disastrous. In a way of controlling discipline all the time the father says ‘don’t come back home if you get less marks; I don’t care what you do. But I want to see this is the best. I am not going to be like a mother crying. Even if you don’t come, I don’t care.’ This is repeated even today. In the garb of thinking that the father is objective the father tends to be away & the mother in the garb of thinking they are very protective, become subjective. So both are wrong, we have such high expectations from the children that it is almost impossible to meet parents expectations. The goal post is always kept higher & higher. Every hour when the child goes to the father & says, ‘Daddy, I got second rank.’ what the father says, ‘Second…. who came first?’ Thus the generation gap begins. The parents expectations, and children expectations never meet. In every home the parents is in conflict with the child all the time.
Children after all are what you & I are. Researchers proved that children are the exact replica of parents. Disorganised parents obviously have disorganised children. Psychology says, what you do is so loud, that I can’t hear what you say. So say less to your children and do it automatically. When I pick up the book & read, I don’t have to tell my child, he will pick up the book. So it is very important to reflect upon our own behaviour all the time, Researchers took about 1000 successful adults and they took upon 1000 unsuccessful adults like who didn’t do anything, had no jobs, divorcees etc. They found there was a stark difference between successful adult childhood and unsuccessful adult childhood. The most important ingredient missing in an unsuccessful adult home is the close parent – child relationship, so establish close parents Relationship, spend time with him qualitatively, spend weekend with him, and take him out.
Now unfortunately everybody is holding the remote of T.V. See every home there are two sets of T.V. So Children are viewing their own & adults are viewing T.V. in their bed room and more than children, parents are keen to watch T.V. serials and for that parents give rules and regulations, like for any popular serial, dinner before 8 o’clock or no dinner after 10 o’clock, which is also ridiculous. We have to set the priorities, as to what is our ultimate goal. The child should be monitored all the time, should try to meet his own goals; be guided, be supported, be encouraged by the parents.
There are some preconceived ideas in the minds of the parents like my child should be topper. If all want his child to be topper, then what is the meaning of topper? Do we want our child topper to be only an academician? Are we losing our attention and focus on developing character and values. All the young parents want their child to be an all rounder like heroes in Bollywood films. Topper in all the fields. Is it possible? And after all they are our products so my son takes my brains. So can you expect him to be Albert Einstein? Roots and wings are two important things. As Indian parents we are excellent in giving roots; but we are worst in giving wings. We never let our children fly away from us. God has blessed us to get on opportunity to bring into this world a creation of our own, we have been given an opportunity to grow and blossom. Every parent in this world with his best of intentions gives his best. A preconceived notion is, play is a waste of time. In fact, in play the child grows the best. The more the child is allowed to play he develops physically, mentally, intellectually. Because he loses his creation, he develops emotionally, he grows socially, he learns to interact. These two are very important but to a reasonable extent. Children should not be completely controlled, at the sometime not completely left on their own.
Lastly what is the most important ingredient required to be a good parent? Calmness & Patience. Each of your battles or conflict with your child, it is only because of your lack of calmness & patience. If we are calm & patient, we are able to understand, we are able to accept, we don’t find the idiosyncrasies of the child a problem & we are able to handle the child at any age rather successfully.
© २०२४ बालमोहन विद्यामंदीर. सर्व हक्क आरक्षित.